Dear Santa,
Hey Kris! (I can call you by your first name right) It's me Dan, you might remember me as your perennial naughty liste-er from a couple of decades ago. Hey, we buried the hatchet over that unfortunate combat-boot-to-my-brother's dome of '86, right? And we BOTH know I was framed for that fire of '88 at the old Valley View golf course... plus no PERMANENT structures were lost. Sheesh, you would have thought I assaulted the Pope by yuour reaction to that one. Good times, good times...
Well let's get down to business. I have it on good authority, mine, that your methods for good/bad record keeping are as antiquated and unfair as the Florida polling system. As such I will be providing you with this year's first annual, Jacobs family, good/bad grade sheet, judged by yours truly. AND just to show you how impartial a judge I am, I will be duplicating this letter and mailing it to several close family and friends, who dang well better... I mean, who will
gladly vouch for both its truthful content and accuracty. We will start with thte children. Eh-Hemmm...
Tracen Daniel: Goods: Passing 1st grade with flying colors- reads very well- has lerned one song ong the piano- generally polite-typically plays well with his brothers- is an ace at the X-box- smart and thoughtful - is a good sport and player in soccer. Bads: Torments brothers to tears- drives dad nuts with one memorized song on the piano- has been caught in the act of giving others wet-willies and wedgies- rarely flushes the toilet- fake laughs like Songe- Bob Square Pants- likes to play "Mr. Bossy".
Tyler Keith: Goods: breezing through pre-school- will work lie a mule when he sets his mind to it- can haul off 10 real push-ups- has infectious laugh- plays well with Tate and Tracen - good vocabulary- "Dad this toy is cumbersome, you know, big and hard to handle.", "Mom, my socks are a menace." -loving- clap-stick sense of humor. Bads: Is scared of his shadow, regularly belches at the table, never flushes, his screams will shatter glass, slams doors, leaves shoes on the stairs, rarely hears the words that come out of an adult's mouth.
Tate Leo: Goods: Hilarious sense of humor- can often be heard saying "How you doin' today?"- can be so delightful- sleeps well- likes to help- plays well with his brothers- will typically clean up toys when asked- likes to sing songs- and gives the best snuggles complete with "I love you so so much". Bads: Epic tantrums, monumental tantrums, Mind-numbing tantrums- Earth-exploding tantrums- Marathon tantrums- Award-winning tantrums- NEVER STOPS TALKING- flushes inappropriate items, thinks toys make great ground cover or missels, casual saying of naughty words (nothing too bad), can be our Grumpy Dwarf.
Deanne: Goods: Seamstress extraordinaire, (5 super hero costumes for Halloween), blogger extraordinaire, canning aficionado, full time nurse, referee, cook, maid, snaitation expert, sheriff, deputy, warden, judge, jury, attorney, bailiff, and executioner, exercise fanatic just to keep up with said duties, extremely kind, thoughtful, beautiful, generous, and loving. Bads: self proclaimed Facebook extraordinaire, has bouts of apathy towards Dan and children's whining, puts herself in time-out for occasional peace and quiet, lerned the hard way that a lawn mower is NEVER 2 quarts low on oil...
Dan: Goods: half-way through Master degree, lost 35 pounds, has kept his job, brings home bacon, does dishes, bathes children, champion Deanne seducer... Bads: (for unabridged listing please refer to Library of Congress, section 132, volumes 1-25), dubious table manners, dubious dance techniques, convenient listener, loser of keys, loser of wallet, quieck to discipline, slow to pick up sweaty work-out clothes, fail to put lid down, rough-house instigator, purveyor of wedgies, wet-willies, covered wagons, hurts-doughnuts, noogies, indian rug-burns etc...etc...etc...
So, Mr. Bowl-full of Jelly, what say you? Seems to me that we are due a regular sized haul, right? No need for bribery or duress as in years past, I hope... Well, say "hi" to the elves in your sweat-shop, I mean "work-shop" would you?
Love,
Dan (Deanne, Tracen, Tyler, and Tate)